I am a judgmental person … I try not to be, but I can’t help myself. When I see someone eyeballs deep in assholery, I feel compelled to label them an ass. (Examples: the jerk who speeds up to the front of the line to cut in when everyone has merged into one lane for the flipping construction on the highway; the idiot who whips into the parking space that you were patiently waiting for–with your turn signal on!; the parent at the ballpark who screams at all the kids and referees like his existence is contingent upon his kid’s T-ball team winning the game). I would like to say that I don’t mentally usher people into the Turd-o-Rama Club often, but that wouldn’t be accurate. Some days I’m convinced that I walked through the wrong door and ended up in a douchebag convention. Never mind seeing dead people, I see asshats.
I’m going to start a recurring rant theme here on my blog calling out people for their dipshittery and general douchebaggery. I’ve toyed with a variety of titles:
- Welcome to the Island of Asshat Ploys.
- If the Asshat Fits …
- The Skillful Art of Asshattery
- As the Douchebag Burns
- Run, Asshat, Run!
- Got Douchebag?
I think I’ve landed on You Might Be An Asshat If … I would happily take other suggestions … I’m sure someone has been inspired by a DB Royale and could come up with something very clever. (Feel free to leave any suggestions in the comments!)
Enough with the introduction, let’s get on with the post … the douchebaggery of the day!!
You Might Be An Asshat If …
… you rent children with disabilities so that you can get your little prince / princess through the lines at Disney World faster.
Yep. It’s true. There are rich, pompous asses who are doing this. They pay approximately $1000 a day to have a person who requires a wheelchair or scooter to go with them to the theme park so that they can “take advantage” of the quick access to the front of the lines. Despicable. Totally and completely appalling. Apparently, these upper crusters don’t feel that they should have to wait with all the knuckle draggers in those long lines, so they’ve concocted a plan to avoid all that.
Some Manhattan fancy-pants-types have schemed a way to bring joy and happiness to those around them. And by “those around them” I mean their own little booger-eaters while saying “Screw You!” to everyone else in the park. What’s not to like about this scandalous little plan? I mean they’re only doing it out the kindness of their
fat cat, selfish, Grinch heart, right? It’s not like the kid in the wheelchair isn’t getting to enjoy the day too, right? I’m sure that the families in line would totally understand, right? It’s a pretty simple message, really:
Hi there. I realize that you’ve spent years saving all your extra money so you could bring your kids to the most magical place on earth. I understand that you have been working overtime and weekends and a second job and scrimping and stashing away all that money because you wanted to take your kids on a vacation they’ll never forget. Of course I know you’ve never taken a family trip before, but I’m sure you understand. I’m rich, see? And that makes me better than you. I’m not supposed to have to deal with all this crappy stuff like you poorer-than-me types. It goes against my nature as an elitist to see eye to eye with your kind. So, if you don’t mind, just stand there quietly while I whisk my family and this random stranger (who luckily has this amazing disability!!) to the front of every line. Thanks.
I recently read an anonymous comment from one socialite mother who was bragging that while everyone else waited two hours in line, she and her family were on the It’s a Small World ride in about two minutes. Take that, Suckers! And by “Suckers” I mean all-you-decent-human-beings-who-would-never-consider-using-a-person-with-a-disability-as-a-purchasable-pawn-for-your-own-enjoyment-or-advancement. Because, hey, if you’re not willing to take advantage of someone else’s hardships and challenges for your own gain, well …. I guess that’s your loss. Isn’t that what you mean, you bloated, egomaniacal, entitled POS parents who rent human beings for your twisted happiness. Wait! There’s a word for that, isn’t there??! When you pay a person a determined amount of cash for their personal “service” that provides you with some perverted pleasure. Oh, yah! It’s called prostitution.
This whole scenario brings up many questions–
- How do you explain to your child that you’re going to (pay to) bring a stranger on your vacation? Will they have to be nice to this vacation add-on? Are they required to converse with them?
- Will these kids-of-the-rich-and-entitled automatically grow up to think that they deserve to always be whisked to the front of the line with special treatment? Will they ever be in touch with reality?
- What type of parent puts their child up “for rent” to even make this type of transaction possible?
- Is there a box on the questionnaire / application that indicates how much of a disability these families are willing to “put up with”?
- If someone is willing to go to these lengths to get ahead, why not just rent a wheelchair and put one of your own family members in it? Why involve someone else? Or is that part of the idea of “charity” that makes it ok–feeling like someone “less fortunate” is being given the opportunity to go to Disney and that you’re actually doing good?
- How can Disney employees possibly investigate these situations without looking like assholes for being suspicious of every family with a member in a wheelchair? How will I not look critically at every family taking the short trip to the front of the line when we go to Disney this summer? (I certainly don’t want to be a tool for being anything other than kind and sympathetic to anyone. These families and people with disabilities have plenty of their own challenges that they deal with every day; they certainly don’t need skeptical onlookers because there are members of the Royal Asshat Family who have pulled a few of them into this debacle.)
- What is the process that can take a person from seeing other people as humans to seeing them as opportunities?
- If someone is willing to engage in prostitution for the sake of their kids, what else are they willing to do?
These disgusting snobs think of this scheme in the same way they think of using a tour guide or concierge to get the most out of their trip. To them, it’s about being able to buy a leg up. Well, here’s a newsflash for those douchebags extraordinaire: Money can’t buy you character or make you a decent human being. You can have all the cash in the world and one thing won’t change–you’ll still be an asshat.