Not long ago, there was a post that went around about a mom who decided to never tell her daughter to hurry up anymore. I saw a shit ton of people share it on Facebook. It went something like this: “One day I realized that I was a shitty parent just like you, but then I decided to become the fucking parent of the year. How did I do it? I just decided to let my daughter lollygag and fart around all goddamn day and never say a word to her about how long she takes to do everyfuckingthing … because now I’m a better parent than you.” (Did you read that article? Did I get that about right?)
Crock of shit.
Seriously. I’m calling BULLSHIT! Yes, in all caps … so I’m totally yelling it. Because I’m that pissed about it.
That better-than-the-rest-of-us Mom says she just allows a few extra minutes so that her slow ass inquisitive daughter can look at the clouds and pick up a billion rocks and stick them up her nose explore the world. Again, I call Bullshit!!!! Every parent without rocks up their own damn nose with both feet on the ground knows that if you give a toddler or preschooler two extra minutes, they’ll want five. If you allow for five extra minutes of fiddle-farting around, they’ll want ten. It’s never enough. Never. Ever. Enough. And there’s always something else they want to do instead of what you want them to do. (I believe that’s the first rule of Preschool Club. Well, probably the second rule. I’m sure the first rule is You do not talk about Preschool Club. But the second rule has to be Always find something that you desperately want to do that is NOT what the parent is telling you to do. *Throw an epic fit if necessary to convey the importance of doing this other thing.)
But, here’s the rub. Even though I don’t believe that she will always allow her daughter to take just as much time as she needs (because who in the world has the patience necessary to allow a child the time to indulge their every whim?? Not even a lovechild of Gandhi and Mother Teresa would have that kind of tolerance!), I think it’s a horrible parenting idea.
Sure, kids need to be able to use their imagination. They need to be able to look at the world from their unique little eyes’ perspective. Kids should explore the world and look closely at big things–and little things too. They ought to be able to try to tie their own shoes and get dressed by themselves. All of these things build independence, creativity and great thinking skills.
But you know what else our society values? Being punctual. Recognizing that the world shouldn’t always have to wait on you. Understanding that there’s a time and place for everything.
Let’s paint a little picture here: You casually walk in late to a doctor appointment with a handful of rocks. You say to the receptionist, “Hey, look at all these amazing rocks I found on my way here! I found round ones and smooth ones and sparkly ones and pink ones and—–” (Insert sound of needle scratching across a record.) She would stop you right there and tell you that you’re thirty minutes late for your appointment. It’s been cancelled. You need to reschedule and you’re being charged a $30 no-show fee. That’s called What Happens In The Real World. And some kid who’s never been told to “Hurry Up!” won’t understand why she can’t just show up to appointments whenever she gets around to it.
We’ve all been sitting in a doctor’s office and had to wait. And wait. And wait.
You know what I’ve never heard anyone say while waiting for someone else who’s running late?
“I bet she’s cultivating some really fantastic creativity.”
“I don’t mind waiting. I don’t have anything else to do all day.”
“I hope she’s spinning in circles feeling the sun on her face and the wind in her hair. That would be wonderful for her.”
“Maybe he’s counting the spots on all the ladybugs he finds. That’s such a great use of my time.”
“It makes me happy to sit here with my thumb up my ass. It’s how I was hoping to spend my day.”
“I bet he’s probably doing something really rewarding like blowing bubbles or counting leaves or jumping over every single crack he sees. Good for him.”
No one likes waiting on someone who’s late. No one.
So, maybe, rather than teach our kids that the world revolves around their curious minds, we ought to teach them balance. That sometimes it’s ok to explore and check things out. And other times you need to get your ass in gear and get the fucking show on the road. Sometimes letting your mind wander is fine. And other times you have to focus on the task at hand–no matter how many roses beg you to smell them.
Our kids will be in for a very rude awakening when they get to school / work / real life if they’ve been allowed to operate at their own snail’s pace all the damn time. They’ll be expected to Hurry Up. They will have to pass a flowerbed full of rocks and just ignore them. They’ll have to tune in to the content during class and let the clouds pass by through the window without finding all the shapes they can. They’ll be expected to pull their head out of their ass and get shit done.
If we always let our kids do things at their own pace and on their own time, we will have missed some important parenting opportunities. Our kids need to know that it’s important to be punctual and considerate of other people’s time–even their parents’ time. Otherwise, our kids will just grow up to be the Asshats Who Are Always Running Late.
I have a 10 year old daughter who farts around til the last possible second when getting ready for school. We normally wake her and her 6 year old sister up at 6:30 am so they can be ready for the school bus which arrives about 7:40 am. We warned her repeatedly about this problem.
Solution: We started waking her up at 5:30 am. After a few days of this, she bitched and moaned about having to get up so damn early.
She saw the light and we are now waking her up at 6:30 am again.
#LessonLearned
Ah, yes. Real life lessons. My favorite!!
Thank you for this! I laughed out loud over and over. Right before reading this, I read the Cupcake/Snowflake blog you referred to. It made me feel like a shithead for not allowing more of the rock and flower crap when we aren’t in a rush as well as made me wonder how this woman functions in life now with her new found epiphany. You nailed it, there needs to be a balance. Thank you for bringing some humor, much needed adult language and reality to parenting.
Amen, sister! Fucking hippies.
Amen and Hallelujah!
Oh I so needed to hear this! I think about this article all the time and feel like such a terrible parent telling my daughter to hurry up. She would pick flowers all day if I let her. She’s a daydreamer, and although it’s cute theres a time and place. Thank you for making me feel like a decent parent again 🙂
Yes, Sarah … You’re teaching her well … A time and a place!!! 🙂
I loved this, Jen! Right in the money in a funny way. ..I laughed out loud several times!
Thanks!! Glad I made you laugh. And I didn’t even have to trip or fall down!! 😉
“To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, to be late is unacceptable.” Our mantra may put the kids in therapy, but they will be employable and on time!
Woot! Woot!!! 🙂
I can’t remember if I shared that article or not. I read it a while back and had a couple thoughts. My first thought was I’m a mean mom. My second thought was that is total bullshit and stupid. I do, however, think about the article every time I tell Sydney to hurry up and wonder if I’m in the wrong or if Sydney really does need to hurry the hell up!! Lol. But I love this and agree with it completely!! You put a great spin on it!!
It’s good to pause and think about what we’re saying. That’s good parenting. But I’m guessing that Sydney just needs to hurry the hell up. 😉
So true! My daughter is now an adult but was this way as a child. We didn’t put up with it! As a teen I would tell her that if she couldn’t get it together and be ready when the rest of the family was that we would kindly leave her home and she wouldn’t get to participate in the fun we would have. Now she can get ready on time and also her family. Have an adult niece who is always making everyone wait on her. Personally I’d leave her home.
Thanks for the comment, Jeanne. Getting our kids ready for the real world is just about the most important thing we can do as parents!
Well, I hate to admit this, but after reading her article a few weeks ago, I felt like a shitty parent, shared her advice on Twitter and probably my FB page, and vowed that I would never tell my kids to hurry ever again. I was worried that I was turning them into little anxious people that would grow up to be anxious, cursing, booze-swilling adults like me.
But you know what? I can’t do it. There is a time and place for everything, and sometimes I need to get my kids MOVING. What do I say if the house is on fire?? “Um, excuse me, children, I hate to bother you, but could you please move a little faster?” NO!! I can’t do that! If I’m in a hurry, I say, “HURRY UP!”
Allowing the kids to just dilly-dally when we truly need to get going is just not realistic, and it’s not teaching them about accountability or being considerate of other people’s time.
FWIW, I also tried that gal’s “Warm Fuzzy Jar” idea and it totally tanked.
Funny post, btw 🙂
Yes!!! Our kids need to know how to hurry themselves along. It’s a life skill. Truly … there are times that, for their own safety, they need to light a fire under their ass and get going!!
Thanks for this awesome comment!
No fucking way that would work in my world. I just don’t have the patience to deal with that shit. Yes it’s important for kids to grow and learn and see thing and take their time. But there is more to life than just picking flowers or collecting fucking rocks.
GREAT post, Jen!!
🙂 Thanks, Teri!!
I thought the article was super funny. I didn’t read the original article to which you are responding. I am in the unusual position that I am almost always wanting to spend as much time as possible, so we actually do all these things and it works out well for my four-year-old and for my stay-at-home-mom wife who wants us out of the house FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I am NEVER late for an appointment with or without my little one, but I do probably leave three times earlier than someone who doesn’t smell rocks and such.
You two are like yin and yang!! 🙂 xoxo
It all about a good balance. I also feel parents can rush kids around too much from appointments… to play dates… to mommy and me time… and to plain just over scheduling the hell out of them. #balanceisgood
Absolutely!!! I agree … Kids need time to just play–between learning how to hurry, of course 😉
That blog post you’re referring to. Well, it made me feel like crap as a mom! Thanks for making me feel so much better. Where do you get your confidence to just call it like it is? This is the kind of post I want to write! 🙂 Going to follow now, and read some more of your stuff. Found you through blogger idol btw.
I’m excited to sit down and read a bunch of the posts for Blogger Idol. I’m not sure if it’s courage to tell it like it is or just an inability to not speak my mind 😉 Thanks for stopping by!!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who HATED that post. Give me a break lady, you really think you’re never going to say hurry up again? And thanks for writing a self righteous post with the sole purpose to make other moms feel bad while making you feel good about yourself. Plus, what are you going to do, allow a child to be the parent and set the schedule? Trust me, that won’t be cute in a few years, I think some of the most important lessons we need to teach our kids is how to be organized and on time! I can’t stand people who are always late. Why don’t you just say, my time is the only time that is important and if you have to wait for me then oh well.
Yes!!! There was so much about that original post that just burned my ass, obviously 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Solidarity, sister!!
Your comment made me smile. Thanks, Twingle Mommy 🙂
@ Twingle Mommy
Rachel Macy Stafford is anything but self-righteous. And she isn’t trying to make other parents feel bad. She’s genuinely trying to help people be kinder, gentler parents. She wants to honor her children and childhood and all the things that go with it and is trying to help others do the same with their own children. She doesn’t let her kids set the schedule. Her girls are exceptional little people. It’s s shame that you aren’t willing to step outside your little bubble and see that there are other ways to parent besides controlling and managing your kids.
But telling your kids to hurry up when they need to is not being controlling. Maybe Ms. Stafford was a crazy control freak about every minutia and so this was the lesson SHE needed to learn. But I agree with this posted article. There is a time a place for everything. Children of course need free play and opportunities to explore and appreciate, but if her younger daughter is THAT slow with EVERYTHING in life then she will have a problem in the future if she doesn’t know when she needs to haul ass. That’s just a reality.
OMG- I am in LOVE with this post! I wish I could give you a high-five, or clink your glass! This is so hilarious, and YES- so so true. Although I couldn’t stop laughing, I have to say, there is some serious wisdom in here. Thanks for making my day!
Consider your glass clinked!!! And thanks for sharing this!! You rock, sister!!
This blog post makes me so angry that I cannot even begin to fully express it to you, but I’m going to try. And I’ll also try to do it without calling YOU an asshat. No guarantees though.
That said, you should know that your blog is everything that is wrong with “Mommy Bloggers.” You are perpetuating the problem of mom judging that is getting nobody nowhere fast. You know nothing about Rachel Macy Stafford, yet you call her names and ridicule the way she chooses to parent her daughters.
I know her, and she is a kind woman. She is always grateful and honest. She is one of the loveliest people I have met in the blogging community. So to see you slander her name and blog here is really upsetting to me.
I don’t understand how anyone can criticize a parenting style that includes really listening to our children. Honoring our children for who they truly are; and always being present when we are with them. She reminds us to let our kids know how much we love them as often as possible. Not only with words, but with actions as well.
In this post you’re referencing, she’s not literally saying that we should let our kids run the show, set the schedule, and “dilly dally” whenever they want. The post is more about not teaching them to always be in such a rush. It’s a reminder to slow down; take time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. If we are always rushing through our lives, we miss so much. We miss learning opportunities and chances to make memories. We lose touch with the people who are truly important to us.
We do not need any more frantically-paced, over-scheduled, half-assed people in this world. And if we allow our children to live mostly at their own pace (when appropriate, of course,) then we are going to be raising a whole new generation of people who appreciate life so much more. People who slow down and notice the beauty in everything. Those kinds of people are more likely to take care of the people and the world around them because they have an appreciation and gratitude for life.
Children who are rushed, turn into adults who are rushed; and nobody likes an impatient asshat.
I can assure you, the roses smell so much sweeter when you really take the time to appreciate them; especially if you’re smelling them WITH your children.
I have a feeling you won’t publish my comment, or that you’ll remove it; and that’s fine by me. Peace to you and yours.
I realize this comes a little late to the party BUT I had to comment. Every parent is different and every child is different. I am on your side with this one. There are some days that I have to push my daughter along but I do not want her to feel stress because we are always rushing. This author is an ASSHAT. And one day I will read this to my 9 year old, swears and all and show her that people really think they know it all when they no nothing. And then she will thank god that she has me and not this woman as a mother.
p.s notice how she didn’t reply to you.
I love to know that my writing is being shared, Momof1. Whether it’s just you reading it to your 9 year old or sharing it on social media, it doesn’t much matter to me. Glad I could be a part of your parenting journey.
Namaste,
This ASSHAT author
This author is promoting balance. In case you didn’t notice, the hands free mom article made a lot of good parents question themselves. Our society is so overly child-centric these days that parents are constantly wondering if they are doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with telling your child to hurry up. Me, my husband, and our two other children should not have to wait, sitting in a hot car to go on a fun hike just because our third child enjoys feeling the shoelaces slide through his fingers as he takes 15 minutes to tie his shoes.
Hands free moms blog is teaching parents to raise kids in a way that only teaches them that the world should stop and wait on them.
There are many moments in the day for carefree observantions, etc, but it is not healthy to never care about hurrying.
Would you want a surgeon with no sense of urgency? What would you say if your child’s teacher didn’t feel any sense of urgency to teach the entire years curriculum to your child?
One day, your child will be an adult, and with a pokey demeanor will only be eligible for a handful of jobs – none of them lucrative.
It’s ok to stop and step the roses, but that phrase uses the word ” stop,” because most of the time we should be making use of ourselves. Someone who lies in the roses indefinitely is no better than fertilizer.
Omg. Freakin hilarious! “Get the fucking show on the road”. Yes. Yes. Yes.
🙂 It’s something I say with frequency in my house!! Lol
I read the original post and, as the parent of possibly the world’s sweetest, smartest, slowest 7 year-old, I was incensed enough that I almost had to start my own blog to refute it until I found you’d done it perfectly. You could not be more correct. In fact, while managing my own snail-paced kid now that she isn’t tiny anymore, if ever I feel like a failure, it’s not while telling her to hurry; it’s while wishing I had done more to nip her sluggishness in the bud years ago. Mark my words: allow a toddler to move languidly through her day and end up with a kid who will bring your morning to a standstill because she’d rather stop and examine her baby brother’s cowlick than put her shoes on when you’ve asked 6 times. And I never willfully told her to slow it down; there just wasn’t a lot to rush to when it was just me & her. Now that she’s the oldest of 3 and there are places to be – largely for her commitments – we struggle everyday to keep her moving and focused. Her teacher’s most recent comments went something like “she’s a genius; now if only she could be compelled to get her butt in gear we’d be all set.” So, you hit it on the head: smell all the roses all you want, but know that the habits we instill in our little ones may or may not become the habits that hamstring them once life’s not all flower beds and rock gardens.
Thanks for this great comment!! Obviously, I agree with you. 😉
Common sense. Thank you for using some common sense! Children who are overscheduled may have to be continually rushed, but the average child will have plenty of time to “smell the roses”. The biggest mistake in parenting I see is convincing a child that the whole world revolves around them. Cater to them, indulge them, love them…but let them know that they are part of a great big world that will expect certain things from them. It’s truly a disservice to teach them otherwise. Spot on!
Absolutely, Lorinda! I had written a different post (Sometimes The Truth Hurts) about this same idea. When we lead our kids to believe that everything is about them, they’re in for a rude awakening when the real world tells them the truth: they’re no more special than the idiot beside them.
Amen, sister!!!
Someone needed to say it! There are far too many posts going viral on Facebook designed to make moms feel bad about themselves. Of course we’d all like to be perfect, but then we wake up, scrape the vomit out of our hair and get on with our lives! So kudos 🙂
I have to admit, I’m torn.
Not because I agree with the woman who wrote the article, actually. Sometimes you can stop and just enjoy the world around you, and sometimes, you can’t. I don’t agree at all that one should ‘never’ tell their kids to hurry up, because it’s pretty ridiculous.
But it’s more that I feel a bit of sympathy for this gal, and understand where she might be coming from, possibly. Because of a couple acquaintances. One who my friend and I sometimes called the ‘neat freak,’ and the other was the ‘nap nazi’ (we are SO kind, aren’t we?)
The neat freak had kids who were always dressed nice, always really polite, sweet little kids. She seemed totally normal. And then we got to know her and you realized that her dislike of clutter and mess was making her do some crazy things in the name of order. Some examples – the kids weren’t allowed to play on the playground equipment because it could mess up their clothes. When at home, there were no pens, paper, pencils or art supplies of any kind allowed, because it could make a mess. Everything the kids did was criticized by the phrase ‘don’t do that, it’ll make a mess.’
It’s something many of us have SAID to our kids, and might even say that we are using this phrase ‘all the time,’ but we’re really not, you know?
The nap nazie was – and is – the most scheduled person I have ever met, in the craziest possible way, IMO. Babies were supposed to sleep and eat at certain times, and for a certain amount of time, and that’s the way it was going to happen, period, even if she had to wake the kids up to conclude their nap at the right time. It hasn’t changed as the kids have grown. Every moment of the day is regimented.
To illustrate the level of planning this woman had, she scheduled a c-section date by looking at when the school cut off date was for kindergarten so she could make sure her child got in as early as possible. To illustrate the level of crazy, she tried to do this with baby #2, only no doctor would do it because the baby would have been a preemie that way.
Seriously – the woman was nuts about order.
And whenever I come across articles like ‘the day I stopped saying hurry up,’ I envision these two women, the neat freak and the nap nazi. The woman in the article talks about always saying ‘hurry up’ every single moment, and we take it as exaggeration. Where it feels like we’re always saying X to our kids, but we’re really not.
But the neat freak? It was literally a constant litany of ‘don’t make a mess.’ And the nap nazi? She really did stuff to this extreme. It was literally schedules all the time, all day, that had to be kept.
So I can’t help but wonder if this author was like that. If she was, I could see her point, see why she’s so broken up over her own behavior, because I’ve seen behavior like this and it’s really kind of awful to witness what it does to a kid. It really IS a horrible way to raise a child.
But going from one extreme to the other is not doing the child any favors. That’s like saying we need to make up for a child never having any sweets by letting them eat cake all day now. Neither one is a good solution.
Having known these two obsessive ladies, though, I feel at least some sympathy for this woman, and her struggle with realizing she’s been doing something potentially awful to her kids….even if the honest side of me wonders at the same time if she’s just someone who embraced her inner hippy and freaked out over nothing.
In the end, maybe I just want to think of a child with a nap nazi of her own to finally catch a break.
Shauna recently posted…Finding my Inner Asshole
Exactly, this article sounds like it’s written by someone hoe was the victim in a barfight… It’s totally missing the message. I’ll give it that the article that it’s criticising is a bit ‘black and white’, too but… Stop telling your kid what to do all the time! It’s not your robot that you have to control all the time or it stops functioning. Let the kid do what it wants every now and then, instead of what you want ‘it’ to do all the time.
You make some valid points, Shauna. However, going from one extreme to another isn’t the answer either. Gotta have some balance. I sincerely feel for your two friends; it can’t feel good to be in that mindset all the time. XOXO
Oh, IB. I feel like you made up your mind that you just weren’t going to like this post and were hellbent on leaving a comment to that mind. It seems you missed the part where I talked about balance in parenting and life.
I posted a comment on that vary site and said how it still should not take an hour to eat a sandwich or find the other shoe or or get from dripping wet to fully clothed after your shower and such. I agree with your comments a lot, but you are invalidating your opinion with the bad language. I think you would have the perfect argument against quitting the hurry up game, but it needs to be presented in a more professional manner. It’s like going to a debate in the ghetto in here.
Oh my, I just read your post. I had just posted about the same thing you say!
There is a thing called BALANCE. I read the article you speak of and I never felt she was saying she was a better parent than anyone else. I think you might have some insecurities and wonder if you are such a fantastic parent yourself. I don’t think you would feel it so personally if you weren’t feeling a little guilt. The woman never said she kisses her daughters butt. She said sometimes she gives her the opportunity to take her time. You CANNOT force someone to be something they aren’t and in trying to do so you are doing DAMAGE you idiot! Also, I would say from the language you use, less people will take you seriously. I’m not saying I don’t swear but when I’m trying to persuade someone to my way of thinking, I don’t curse like a sailor and attack another persons beliefs. Most BALANCED people know there is a right and wrong way to handle things and your approach isn’t it in my opinion. I agree with some of the things you say, but I totally disagree with the way you expressed it.
We all wonder if we’re doing the right thing in this parenting journey, Rhonda. Anyone who says otherwise is a big, fat liar.
Wow! You all totally missed the point on that post which you so carelessly ripped to pieces. Moms need to learn to encourage each other not rip each other apart and show disrespect to! The post in question is not one that is trying to condemn other moms or “make” them feel bad. Consider yourself a vacuum cleaner. Most people suck up everything instead of checking it to make sure it should or should not go in. Feelings are the same way. You can control a feeling or reject it. If said post made you feel like a “bad” mom. Maybe you should take a good, hard look at yourself and see if something in you needs to be tweaked a bit.
The post itself was about recognizing something in oneself that needs to change whether it be an attitude or thought pattern that could be hindering your child’s life. ALL of us have something like this that should be examined and changed. The author was not stating that she’s not raising her daughter to be punctual but that in teaching her child to be punctual she needs to recognize her childs personality and how her own personality needs to be lightened so she does live life with “tunnel vision”.
Again moms need to learn to not tear each other apart because we are all in this together whether you like it or not. Encouragement is a great thing and we all, who are moms, need some from time to time.
“Mom’s need to learn to encourage each other not rip each other apart… take a good hard look at yourself and see if something needs to be tweaked… again moms need to learn to not tear each other apart…”
Ummm… Glass houses Baby, glass houses.
The article has some interesting points, however is it necessary to swear like a sailor in it? To me, swearing shows that you can’t find better, more effective ways to communicate. I hope you aren’t teaching your children to have potty mouths.
All I can say is you are very bitter and need to take stock of life. I loved the post about not hurrying your child. I hated your post not only were you completely downing another mother but you obviously have no class with the language you use. I hope your children grow up better than this. Good luck and I hope your life improves.
So where is the sensored version that regular people can share?
Hey, I am tired already of our child-centric world. When I was a kid, we did what we were told, and couldn’t wait to grow up so we could live life the way we want to. However, now that my generation (1979) are adults, we are told that it should be all about our children, and how dare we do something for ourselves?
I am so over it! It’s MY time, and when my kids are grown, they can make it their time. They go on vacations and we do fun things all of the time, but it is definitely on MY terms and not theirs. I didn’t grow up so I could be bossed around by a child. It boggles my mind that so many parents seem to actually enjoy letting their kids run the show. Who cares if kids aren’t always happy? Being unhappy sometimes makes for a well rounded character.
There was a lot of anger in that article I thought: maybe it’s time you stopped to smell the roses. Western society is tied up with punctuality/time. I accept that there is a time and a place for that but it is not during early childhood. Once children get to school age they will be bombarded with timetables etc, outside of school let them chill out and take their own time. Who knows what they will discover? If Alexander Fleming had thought, “dirty Petri dish, I must bin it” we might not have Penicillin and its descendents, instead he looked at it closely and noticed that the area around the mould, the spores of which had come in an open window, were free from bacteria. He took the time to think about it, discuss it with a colleague and so Penicillin was on its way. His “time wasting” has saved millions of lives!
Yes, hurry up and make money for the elites while you barely scrap by. Don’t take time to enjoy the life that God gave you. Work, toil, and most importantly be on time. We’d hate to hinder the progress of the self-serving and to stop perpetuating the self-importance that has plagued our world. Spot on.