Over the past two weeks, I’ve spent quite a bit of time on the road. Between the 14 hour trek across five states as we traveled for my brother’s wedding–and then back home–to the 5-hour mini road trip we took yesterday, I feel like I have seen enough asshattery behind the wheel to write a What Not to do When Driving manual. But I’d have to be nice and PC and not call people idiots if it were any official DMV guide. And I’m really not feeling that vibe. Especially when I’m annoyed. So, I decided to channel my frustrations into the third installment of You Might Be An Asshat.
Top Ten List of Rules of the Road: How Not To Be An Asshat Driver.
1. Are you out for a leisurely Sunday drive? Want to take in the sights and enjoy the scenery? That’s really lovely. However the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
2. Do you feel afraid to drive faster than 60 mph? Does it make you nervous? Well, then let me say that the left lane on the highway is NOT for you! Actually, the entire highway is NOT for you!
3. Like to constantly fluctuate your speed between 60 and 75 mph? Seriously. That’s crazy annoying. So, guess what. The left lane of the highway is NOT for you! And learn how to set the damn cruise control!
4. Are you unable to efficiently work a turn signal? Do you ride with a perpetual blinker on? Do you ignore it altogether? Quit being an ass. The rest of us on the road use the turn signal to communicate what we’re doing. It makes the road safer. It’s not rocket science. Learn how to use a turn signal! And, I’m guessing that since you can’t figure out the tricky technology of a blinker, the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
5. Do you have a pet? Does s/he like to go for car rides? That’s nice. It’s even cute. You know what’s not cute? When you let that pet ride on your lap. Even worse, when you let it sit with its paws up on the steering wheel. Hello?! Hurtling a 2000 lb piece of steel down the road requires you to be attentive to that shit all the time and ready to react. Animals aren’t drivers. Petting your dog? NO! Letting it give you kisses while you drive? NO! Having it ride on your lap and stick its head out your window? NO! (There are other seats in the car that are available for that.) Allowing it to impede on your ability to react to anything at any time? NO! Here’s a tip: Get your animal off your lap! And, honestly, you seem like the kind of person who is of the Sunday-scenic-drive persuasion. That means that the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
6. Have your phone in your hand? Are you texting while driving??! Are you effing kidding me? Hey, douchewaffle, yes, you. Put down the fucking phone and drive! Since you haven’t figured out the concept of hands-on-the-wheel / eyes-on-the-road, I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’ve missed several other key components of drivers’ training including the proper usage of the passing lane. Therefore, the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
7. Are you in the middle of a really good novel and you just can’t wait to see what happens next so you pull out your book and read while you’re driving? (Sadly, this was not a one-time sighting. For real.) Have you never heard of audiobooks?? Don’t have a device for those? Can’t afford iTunes? Don’t know how to download an audiobook? Go to your local library–they have books on disc and tape. Too lazy to do that? Pull the goddamn car over and read! And since you don’t seem to be able to figure out appropriate use of a vehicle or a book, I’m going to say that the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
8. Do you drive with one foot on the gas and one on the brake? Do you put enough pressure on the brake to activate the brake lights constantly?? Let me guess, you also ride with your turn signal on all the time? Listen, the entire point of brake lights and turn signals is communication. They serve as indicators to everyone else on the road to show what’s up and coming from your vehicle. If you use them every flipping second you have the car in drive, then they don’t work for the rest of us. One foot–use one foot for the gas AND the brake. (How-to tip: You move your foot from one pedal to the other. You’re welcome.) Also, with those brakes working constantly you probably won’t be going fast enough to be in the passing lane. So, of course, the left lane on the highway is NOT for you!
9. Are you a semi truck driver who wants to drive one (!!) flipping mile an hour faster than the semi in front of you? Do you think you should block both lanes of the highway for ten minutes while you drive the same speed as the truck next to you while you “pass” it? Guess what. The left lane of the highway is NOT for you!
10. Do you hate waiting in lines? Does highway construction piss you off? Have you ever driven up the shoulder to pass the cars waiting in line so that you could cut in up in front of the line? Is that you? Well, Fuck You!! Sorry that waiting isn’t what you had planned. It wasn’t in my schedule either. But that’s just not cool. I don’t usually go around wishing for bad things to happen to other people but I wouldn’t shed a single tear for you if you ran over a nail or some glass while you were hot-rodding it up the side of the road and you got a flat tire. Or two. And, actually, considering that you’re probably driving about 100 mph since you’re in such a damn hurry, the left lane of the highway IS for you! Not zigzagging across all the lanes of the highway like frogger trying to get yourself one car ahead all the time. Just use the left lane, Hot Shot!
Like to drive with your head up your ass?
The left lane on the highway (and driving in general) is NOT FOR YOU!!!