A few weeks before we were taking the family trip to Disneyworld, I read an article (you can read it here) that explained that One Million Moms was warning potential Disney attendees about a dangerous and anti-family kind of day. You know, a “hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband” kind of dilemma. (If you’re not familiar with that quote you can see its origin here.) There would be an “agenda and purpose different than what would be expected at Disney.”
[Insert dramatic music here]
The Gays were planning to invade Disneyworld for the 23rd annual Running of the Gays. Or, as The Gays call it “Gay Days.” (I think my title is more fun, but whatever … it’s not about fun–it’s about an agenda.)
One Million Moms wanted us to boycott Disney and write letters because there should be a “family-friendly atmosphere” that required “proper conduct and dress code” so that our children wouldn’t be desensitized to this lifestyle by seeing The Gays holding hands, hugging and kissing like the Not-Gay couples do. If we had already purchased tickets and made travel plans, they encouraged–at the very least–that we avoid Magic Kingdom on June 1st because that’s where The Gays would be congregating and passing out their agenda literature between kiosks of Dudes Kissing Dudes and Ladies Hugging Other Ladies all while wearing crazy Gay Clothes.
Well, as luck would have it, we were arriving on the day of the Main Gay Event and I had unwittingly made our dinner reservations at a restaurant at the Magic Kingdom. (And if you’ve ever traveled to Disney, you know that you pretty much have to have those arrangements set in stone months before you go or you’ll be eating Mickey Ears Ice Cream Bars and popcorn for every meal.) So, we were stuck with it. We were going to have to steel our nerves and eyeballs and prepare for the Gaymageddon at the Magic Kingdom.
Upon arrival, we saw them. Well, we saw lots of people. The Gays were everywhere … at least that’s what I figured since One Million Moms told me they would be. It seems they traveled in packs / groups / prides. (I don’t know the proper term for a group of The Gays, but “Prides” seems appropriate.) Lots of them were doing very Gay Things. For example, walking around, talking with their friends, laughing, and smiling. You could totally pick them out of the crowd with all their hair and faces and shoes on. Yep. There were lots of people there … so there had to be tons of The Gays. And I was sure I saw some of them. I think. They were definitely planning a revolution, I could just sense it.
And by “planning a revolution” I mean planning on waiting in the long, hot lines like all the Not-Gays. Very subtle move, The Gays. Acting like everyone else to really catch us off guard just like the One Million Moms warned. All part of the “desensitization process.” Make it seem like you’re just like all the Not-Gays with doing usual human being kinds of things and then KABLAMO! You start in with your agenda and other Gay Stuff. Mmm, hmmm. Just putting your hands up on the roller coasters and screaming and laughing like all the other people? I don’t think so. I think it’s Gay Camouflage.
I kept looking for their matching uniforms. (One Million Moms said The Gays would wear red shirts, but there were all kinds of people with red on–babies, kids, Not-Gay couples, Grumpy, Doc, Winnie the Pooh … Sebastian is all red … Mickey Mouse wears red shorts … Shit!!!) Maybe I could find something else–some rainbow ties, glitter–ANYTHING!!–so I could identify The Gays so that I could avoid the agenda. Some kind of wanton and perverse activity not suitable for children and families.
And then I saw it. Immoral, inappropriate, sexual behavior. Depravity. Lustful, lecherous and not-fit-for-young-eyes. A pair of them kissing–making out … Big Time. Staring into each other’s eyes for an uncomfortable-for-everyone-around-you amount of time. Coquettish glances and rubbing up against each other. There they were in the middle of all the families waiting in line to ride Splash Mountain pressing into each other and kissing each other’s neck, rubbing their hands up and down each other’s back, with their hands lingering on their ass. One of them was sitting on the upper railing of the fence while the other stood between her legs … then she wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer while they were kissing.
Wait. What?! Her and him?? (hold on, let me check my pronouns for a second … )
Yes. That’s correct. Her and Him. Two of the Not-Gays.
The only questionable and objectionable-for-young-eyes behavior we saw all day was a giant make-out session between a pair of Not-Gay just-turning-fifteen year olds. But, wait! How do you know they’re 15??!! Well, I know that SHE was just turning 15 because her sparkly tiara that had a cute “15” dangling in the middle of it–along with the “Happy Birthday Ashley” button she had on her shirt–tipped me off.
I’m not a prude. I’m totally cool with some PDA. I like hugs and kisses and holding hands. But these kids had moved beyond PDA to PDIWTGNWYAGDAD–AMLTW (Public Displays of I Want To Get Naked With You And Get Down And Dirty–And Maybe Let Them Watch). Well, they had made that last part abundantly clear.
Out of all of the people there (approximately 50,000, give or take a few thousand) there were only two (2! TWO!) that I observed in any kind of unsavory behavior. *Again, I’m totally fine with hugging, kissing, holding hands, arms around each other, leaning on one another … and gender / orientation of the couple doesn’t matter to me at all. At a family venue like Disneyworld, I only care that the behavior is decent and respectable.
So, One Million Moms, if you’re worried about warning people about dangerous, lewd and lascivious behaviors we don’t want our kids to be exposed to, might I suggest you worry less about Disney and The Gays and have some conversations with your teenagers about their activities in public.
Oh, and by the way, I’ll be anxiously awaiting your next bulletin regarding Disney and The Gays as they’re planning to have an episode of Good Luck, Charlie include a family with two moms.
Tell you what, while you freak out about the decay of the moral fabric of families and all that, the rest of us are going to keep loving our kids and teaching them that love is good. Period.