A recent conversation with a friend about kids chastising parents scratched up a memory of the Boy writing me a scathing note regarding my bad behavior. I searched around and found where I had copied it down into a file on my computer. (I couldn’t find the actual note in my box of “sentimental stuff from the past” though … otherwise I would have taken a pic to include here. Sad face.)
The Boy was obviously having a rough patch of consecutive disappointments and decided to throw a little pity party for himself. This was several years ago, so I don’t remember the exact event that tipped him off–the proverbial straw that broke the eight year old’s back–but he was clearly feeling frustrated about not getting his way about something or other. You know, he probably was dealing with some NegativeNinny of a mother who didn’t let him do or have every little thing that made his heart pitter patter. I hear she’s known for that.
In her defense, she’s also been known to let him put M&Ms, potato chips, cheetos and doritos on his PB & J … and has been seen purchasing a plethora of fun and colorful socks (his definite preference to boring white ones) along with purple clothing of all kinds–his favorite color. The Mother’s thoughtful contributions to the Boy’s wardrobe have included the coolest banana and lightening socks ever (with purple … holla!!!)!
The Boy was apparently so upset by the culmination of what must have been some really horrible days of being denied his heart’s most desired dreams that he shared his thoughts with
his Cruel and Heartless Mother Me by penning this note:
[*This is exact spelling and punctuation with my sidenotes]
things Jen has got to improove on Yikes!! It must be really bad that he went straight to calling me by first name! Eek! That’s like a parent using first, middle AND last name to call out their kid! This spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E!
1. Not forcing me to go to school (when I have a maijor tummyache). What a cruel woman I am! School? The nerve! Gasp!!
2. Not forcing me to go to karate (when I have a maijor tummyache). More cruelty! Where did I come up with this torture??!
3. Not forcing yourself to be mean (relly relly mean and rude). Not just mean, but really, really mean. I should know better. That’s one of our biggest house rules, after all.
4. Buy me hellys (NOW)! OK, little mister … getting a little big for your britches. The all-caps thing there was a bit over the top. And, side note: Serving up demands makes it MUCH less likely that you’ll be riding around on any Heelys. **Heelys are those shoes that have wheels in the heels so kids can ride around on their feet. (??) Oh, yeah, and they cost about $40. Another oh yeah, and they weren’t allowed to wear them in school. Or in the mall. Or in most stores. Or in my house. So that pretty much leaves the driveway … and at that point, I say just strap on some roller
skates (oops! showing my age there) blades and ride all you want!
5. Buy me more vide-o games (NOW)! Sure, just hold on a quick minute. I need to go look outside and see if there are any piggies with wings making their way around the neighborhood.
6. Buy me more junkfood (cheesecake). Well, if we’re talking cheesecake and I can have some … now I’d say you’re on the right track little dude.
7. Let me wach way more T.V. I’d be likely to consider this as long as you’re not talking about that little twit Caillou. Ha! Who am I kidding??! Get your butt outside!
8. Don’t be mean (when I’ve had a hard day I get this one. Third grade can be a real bitch sometimes … but I might still be having trouble defining “mean” … can you be more specific?
9. Help me feel better more oftan. (way more oftan). Alright, now I’m starting to feel a teeny bit bad about this. First I’ve been mean and (really, really) rude–even when he’s had a bad day at school–that I made him go to all day. Then I don’t even comfort him to help him through … oh, geez. Maybe I should see if he wants to go outside and play catch or have a squirt gun battle …
10. Stop making me play outside when I don’t want to. Alrighty then, I guess that’s a “No!” to the catch idea, huh?
11. Stop forcing me to do what I don’t want to do (all the time). Sheesh! Cinderella complex? You’d think I had him washing windows and scrubbing floors all day but you and I know that’s not true because I was forcing him to go to school and karate and play outside all the ding-dong day.
well you have it stop misbehaving. “Misbehaving” … Misbehaving?? … maybe I could use that as a new name … nevermind Real Life Parenting … I should go by Misbehaving Mama!! Freaking-A!!! This kid’s a genius! Who knew??!! I need to tap into this kid’s brain–he could be my Golden Ticket to fame and fortune. I’ll just need to keep him inspired with all my (really, really) mean and rude parenting ways.
hopfully you will lisen. Fat chance, kid. I just realized that you are Mama’s little cash cow … I’ve got work to do so that I can keep those wheels a-turnin’. So, before I lose my mojo–Get your butt up here and unload the dishwasher!!