Selfies are all over social media. Hashtagged pics of ourselves have been flooding Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, Flickr, Google+, Twitter … if you can post a pic on it, there are selfies to be found. Oxford Dictionaries even named “selfie” the 2013 Word of the Year it’s such a phenomenon.
I have perfected the art of taking a successful Self Portrait via Cell Phone, so I’d like to share this talent of mine so you can maximize your Selfie Success.
In a nutshell, these are the Important Components to Taking a Selfie:
1. Stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Don’t worry about what’s in the background of the photo … no one even looks at your toilet plunger, cluttered sink, dirty clothes, mega pack of super soaker sized feminine hygiene products, ratchet decor, or tube of Vagisil.
2. When taking a selfie using the front screen camera, hold the phone above your head and aim down toward your face. If you’re going to take a picture using your reflection in the mirror, hold the camera in front of you being careful not to block your face or any other important details . Do NOT hold the phone in front of your chest–you’ll block your cleavage. (For cleavage enhancement, see #4.) Even more important, do NOT hold the camera in front of your chest or stomach when taking a selfie using the front screen camera. This will result in a massive double, triple, or quite possibly a quadruple chin. Not good.
3. Arch your back in a way that emphasizes your booty while creating an
unrealistic uncomfortable attractive and sexy curve.
4. Lean forward just enough to show some cleavage without looking like you’re bending down to tie your shoe. This is a doubly helpful tip because it pushes your chin forward to avoid that pesky Jabba the Hut look from #2. If you want to maximize the va-va-voom between the breasticles, you can subtly press the inside of your arms against the outside of the boobs, pushing them together … voila–cleavage. If this doesn’t provide the full girth you’re attempting to
fake simulate, you can try to wrap one arm around the girls, giving the sisters a squeeze.
5. When doing any of those breast enhancing embraces, you have to take care to not violate rule #5. Never have your arm hanging along side your body because it forces it to pancake out increasing its appearance / size. The only two acceptable arm placements are as follows: A) pressed against the girls (as discussed in #4) in a way that part of the arm is hidden by the
illusion abundance of newly created bosom, or B) popped out, preferably with your hand perfectly posed on your hip.
6. Clothing must be carefully selected to look casual yet stylish to
trick show everyone this-is-what-I-look-like-all-the-time. Even better to look like you just came from the gym. Note: Never actually take a photo straight from the gym. Go home, shower, spend an hour getting your hair just right and your makeup fresh and perky …. put on clean work out clothes, pose as stated above and then hashtag the photo with things like #gettinfit #gymrat #pumpiniron #fitnessaddict #namaste #cardio #workinhard #fitlife #livingclean #beastmode #hardbody #ipeewhenidojumpingjacks #whatsyourexcuse
7. There are various facial expression / head placement / hand gesture combinations that make for a successful selfie:
A) head slightly cocked to the side, brooding and/or serious look that says “I’m intellectual and sexy and I just can’t help it”
B) head tossed back slightly with chin lifted, modified duck face that says “I’m a badass” while flashing a peace sign
C) chin down looking up through big doe eyes while making pouty lips that say “I’m
innocent naughty and I’m just your type”
D) eyebrows raised, tongue out a la Miley Cyrus to say “I like to party and I’m down for anything”
E) surprised face, mouth slightly open, hand in hair or arm wrapped over your head to say “sexy? who me?”
F) duck lips–in conjunction with any aforementioned combination or pose
8. Above all else–just be yourself and look natural. #schyeah #right
This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday series. The prompt for this post was “One of my hidden talents is …” Obviously, I’m a Master Selfie Taker. You’re welcome.
- Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine
- Mommy, For Real
- Finding nine
- Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Did I miss any of the keys to Perfecting the Selfie?